Film · Review

The Emoji Movie Review – Horrible hideous trash

I’ve been struggling to start my review of The Emoji Movie. It’s bad. It’s reeeaaaal bad. It’s so fucking bad. And I think that would probably be the cool way to approach it. You shouldn’t watch the The Emoji Movie because it’s shit. It’s a bad story, incredibly poorly told. It features some of the most grating and uncharismatic voice acting you’ve ever heard in one of these things. It is profoundly, profoundly unpleasant to look at for any long period of time. And despite the fact that it steals it’s every idea from a panoply of better movies not a single gram of their greatness rubs off onto it.

Film · Review

Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie Review – Film of the year 2017

If there were any kids’ movie which may as well have a big sign painted on the front that said essentially ‘NO GIRLS ALLOWED’ it would be this one. Like, there’s one woman in the movie, an adult not one of the kids, and even then she’s treated solely as this disposable love interest type character for another male character to pick up. I mean, I read the books, was probably getting too old for them long before I stopped, I don’t remember that there be any girls of note in them, but seriously, could nothing be done? It ain’t just like all the primaries are dudes, there ain’t a single girl in the film who the credits can be bothered to name.

Film · Review

Cars 3 Review – Old broken things

Cars 3 is a bold choice. Like the choice to use your state of the art animation technology to beautifully conceive (seriously Pixar’s landscaping work is just exploding year on year) what is essentially the plot of some 20 mil Fox Searchlight joint don’t make no sense on the surface. They’ve also made this total dad film: a film about the fear of aging, the fear of being outpaced, the fear of the young. Y’all can’t quite grasp without seeing it the subtle contempt that the joint got for youth.