A Grand Quiet

The useless binch (me) is back online.

There’s changes been in my life since I stopped posting these. Not like the important one, the one I was hoping for: still no GIC appointment — still no hormones. Thirty months now since I first told a GP about this shit, and trust me, the fix would be so fucking simple. Imma leave those bad thoughts off here though, time to talk about positive changes.

I quit the job that was killing me. I no longer cry while walking to work in the mornings. I don’t even walk to work no more, I drive. Was able to buy a car with the money that I had saved up, able to pay that tax, able to get insurance. I work at a cinema now, and I earn less, I’m sure it’s hardly ideal career progression at my point in life; but for now it’s something that I can envision living a life within.

I’m out at work now too. I turned up to the interview dressed femme, had the name and pronoun chat at my induction. I’m Esther there now. That’s like my day-to-day life. All those years ago when i first came out i was pretty resolute, no social transition until I got on hormones, nothing doing until I could handily pass.

I don’t think I’m any more confident than I was back then. I think I didn’t used to know any other trans folk, now I’m friendly with quite a few and we have shared between us enough pain for me to stop giving a fuck about maintaining my respectability in the eyes of the world. I’ve come to enjoy the suspicious gaze that so many eyes cast over me.

Also there’s been a fair few folks, mostly older women tbh, who have been very complimentary. It’s strange, conservatively dressed, there after work with their husbands to catch Bohemian Rhapsody — I know it’s my own paranoia but I always assume them to be part of the mumsnet crowd. Gotta remind myself that there’s a fair few aren’t.

Also, working in a cinema means working a fair amount of evenings. I’m getting used to it as I go, but it’s had a nice side effect. I drink a fair amount less than I used to. I’m sure a large part of that comes with being generally happier, I’ll take whatever helps in fostering healthier habits.

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Enough about work though, I’ve also acted for the first time in about a year and a half. It’s another damn dysphoria thing to be honest, I told myself I wouldn’t act until I started getting cast as women. Giving up that on that dream wasn’t the most satisfying thing sure, but I can pretend to be a man very well at this point. Why not make the most of it?

There’s not many casting calls out in the local area for trans women unfortunately and I sure ain’t got the confidence yet to turn up to ones where the casting director has imagined somebody cis. Indie theatre scenes can be pretty insular as it goes and I don’t want to pick up a reputation as a timewaster.

It’s a side effect I guess of trying to hate myself less. I may not be at ease with much but accepting the totality of my existence as a trans woman means that i don’t gotta distance myself from the ‘trans’ part of that in order to feel more affinity with the ‘woman’ part. Neither detracts from the other, and I don’t have to feel no great shame from a range of expression that embraces the totality of my experiences.

Whatever, I’ve a couple of auditions coming up over the next month, got the tour of my theatre company’s play, I’m writing a short film screenplay for a co-worker of mine, I’ve done a couple of volunteer on camera noodles to build up a bit of a showreel.

I feel like I’m slowly returning into the world, less alienated from my body and my labour, working in proximity to other people again, enjoying my physicality now I don’t have to spend the days acting like a man. Used to be that on my days off I’d delight in getting all prettied up, now i get that affirmation in the mirror on the regular, and lounging about in leggings is comfy and valid.

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I dislike winter. It’s too dark and too cold. Most of my cute clothes are summery ones. Yet I am not approaching this one with the same dread that I have done as of late. If the NHS get off their asses sometime over the next month I’ll take that as the best Christmas present imaginable. Not actively hoping for anything though.

I feel like I should also do some bitching about Black Friday now too. Tis the Season after all, but I’m in a happy mood and no longer working in retail. Pleased to be rid of it as a necessary part of my life.

Fuck Capitalism.

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This week I’ve reviewed the new Otto Bathurst joint, Robin Hood; and Fede Álvarez’s adaptation of The Girl in the Spider’s Web. I may type up a quick few words on Shoplifters — I don’t think I’ll be able to catch it now but it screened earlier this month at the FilmBath festival. In short though, make the trip to the cinema if you can. It’s a fucking masterpiece.

I probably am not gonna be able to catch Assassination Nation. Be assured though, if there’s even a chance I’ll be there. I’m working while the cinema is playing its mystery preview on Monday so there’s no dice there. I might get up some reviews of Netflix joints, people seem to be interested in Cam so there’s probably something there.

Other than that I never actually watched Creed. My shame, I know. And wanna rewatch Wreck-It Ralph too before their respective sequels come out. I need to find time for the gym in there too, haven’t been in over a week now. I’ll make it work.

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As always: like, comment, subscribe, I’m a needy girl and even the smallest validation goes a heck of a long way. Follow me on twitter too, it’s the one social network where I actually try sometimes. I may be uninteresting but at lease I’m about.

thank you all so much for reading this, I hope my personal life isn’t too uninteresting to spend time on. Have a good week, and I’m hoping that this is gonna be the last time for a while that the weekly prefix in the title is a blatant lie.

Love y’all,
Essie
xx