A Grand Quiet

The embarrassing thing is that I literally never remember how to write these things. Every week I pause a little. ‘How do I start this?’ I’ve applied for another promotion at work recently and there’s no way to make me hate myself more than ask me to write about my talents and accomplishments. As far as I’m aware I’m a disaster, I don’t really make no bones about it. I’m basically trash adjacent at this point; in my better moods I think I’m improving but then I’ll have a bad day or an unproductive week and all those worst habits of mine will express themselves and I’ll float right on back to self-hatred for a while.i,

I guess it’s mostly the self inflation that bothers me, realistically we’re all just trying our best. It’s not like the position I’m in is super challenging right now, but y’all just gotta make all your day to day business sound epic don’t you? Whatever, I got through it. I’ve only been in my current position for three months anyway, so it’s a long shot by any means, I suppose that there’s nothing wrong with at least appearing ambitious. Anything’s worth the credit you can get.

Anyway, I looked back what I wrote the past couple weeks, this seems like it’s a pretty good emulation of what I managed there. I hope it comes across with less of the self loathing though, I’m actually doing pretty good this week.

—

Part of that is that due to my shift pattern this week I got Monday booked off and gave myself a little break. Taking four days off in a row with only one day worth of holiday used up is actually pretty swole. Especially given how most of the time we’re only getting one day at a time, it makes it hard to relax because half of your mind is always considering the inevitability of work the next day the fires that are always burning, longing to be doused for a brief moment.

And what with weather like we’re getting at the moment, even if I ain’t staying out in it all the time, it’s a total balm. I spent just about seven hours yesterday tiding the room that I been using as my sorta office. I should have taken some before pictures, it were a total mess, I could walk a straight line from the door to the desk I were using, it was dark and cramped and in general an unappealing workplace.

I think this is the first proper time I have cleared all the crap out of a room, literally everything, and spent the time to shuffle the furniture around into a configuration that actually makes sense for the space. Working on that feng shui shit. Whatever, I want to be in here more now. I appreciate the way it makes me feel. I think I’ll be able to throw up a webcam or a DSLR. Start streaming, start making videos, actually invite friends around to my place for a change. I don’t gotta be ashamed of how I’m living. I’ll be keeping it cleaner too.

I was talking to a friend about my plans of Friday and they were all like ‘Tidy room, tidy mind.’ It’s one of those aphorisms that I’d probably just dismiss outta hand. And I still might if none of this works, for now it feel so good.

—

My theatre company’s most recent play, the one I co-directed about a month back, has got a tour planned in co-production with a local theatre outfit. It won’t be until next year sometime, all the details are currently up in the air and what I probably actually need to do is arrange some time to meet up with the rest of the folks to figure out what is going on.

I’m immensely excited though, hugely. I haven’t always been in the best place to be the most help with their work but I am so excited that I can be a part of showcasing my friends’ prodigious talents. They are legit amazing, and their ability to pull this together is just astounding. As soon as I have more information I’ll be putting it up here for no though you can peep our website here and the website of our co-producers Beyond the Horizon here.

—

Given that I got a few days off, I finally got over myself and started peeping the makeup selections at Boots and that. At least they have self checkouts there, saves on the awkwardness. My awkwardness at least anyway.

Now, don’t  start thinking too big. I don’t got the skills yet to be one of those youtube makeup artist types, honestly don’t think I’ll ever be. I ain’t out at work, and only casually so in most other places so I generally gotta stick to the cis side of queer. And I certainly don’t got the money to be blowing on that fancy shit at once, especially with no idea how to use it and no real idea what’s gonna end up suiting my face.

But, and this is something here, it shocked me how much more comfortable a little foundation, a little concealer for my tired, tired looking eyes makes me feel. I’m sure there’s most people out there will feel the same, my revelation sin’t coming with no sort of profundity. Sure, being able to mask a little some of your more obvious imperfections is gonna make you look better. That’s why people do it.

I hope, and given my reaction over the past few days, I think, I might get so good someday that I’ll actually manage to end up making myself feel hot. For now though, being better is achievement enough.

—

Also, I ain’t sure how I missed this, but Jasper Fforde’s upcoming novel, Early Riser, has finally gotten a release date. It’s gonna be his first release in like four years, which is something considering that up til this point the dude were putting out something every single year.

I’ve read all of his books, I think that he’s probably just about my favourite author. Which I only clarify like that because there’s probably some more respectable or classical or cooler person that I could name. Nah, I love his sensibilities, his comedy and this obsession he has with the incomprehensibility of bureaucracy that flows through all his texts.

Roll on August.

—

Sorry that I wasn’t able to get a review up of Jeunne Femme this week. I sat down and tried but really didn’t have a way into it. Hell, even my review of The Breadwinner took some editing to get to in a half decent shape. I don’t know, I feel like I haven’t properly loved a film in a while, it’s taking me a while to get there.

Earlier this week I went back through my reviews and didn’t hit a five star one until You Were Never Really Here about three months ago. Even the blockbusters have been worse than normal. I doubt that Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is gonna be the thing to shake me outta my rut, but I sure hope something does soon.

yours,

Essie
xx