A Grand Quiet

I know I ain’t posted in a while. I had a good time in Spain, then i came back and got caught up in the work shit I expected to. It total late capitalist bullcrap, I mean seriously.

I did my part though, drank probably two and a half bottles of comp wine. Down with the bourgeois!

Look, I should be writing more. I know I gotta, Every day i have down where i be not spouting my garbage opinions literally kills me.

Here’s the thing, and you may have grasped this if you’ve been reading me for a while: I’m transgender. It true, and I ain’t even really started transitioning yet.

Y’all see, I came to terms with myself about 16 months ago, and the way that dysphoria care works in this country is that you gotta add your name to a long ass waiting list and they’ll get in touch when they deign to have the time to treat your condition.

Sixteen months ago I were told the wait time would be sixteen months. And every couple or so I be phoning the clinic to make sure their details be kept up to date. It only now, when I be expecting to hear something that they tell me I gotta wait some more.

I do not have a healthy relationship with my body at the best of times. This is not the best of times. I honestly try to keep it out of my writing when I can, y’all can real it easy in the times I couldn’t.

It’s all to say: I should be writing about some movies now. I like Wind River, I disliked Kingsman: The Golden Circle, I loved Darren Aranofsky’s mother!. I want to share my thoughts.

But me and my fucking trash-hell flesh-prison aren’t on the best of terms right now. It’s taking all I can be to do right by myself; even if my ‘self’ ain’t nowhere near where it should or could or really goddamn deserve to be.

It be political party conference season here in the UK. Y’all know how much conversation there been of our the underserved trans population? Oh, wait, nothing, not one thing.

Too much of my life is a struggle. I can’t just be ignored.

Trust me, i’ll get to posting as soon as I am able. I know this silence probably be a complete annoyance. Thank you for your understanding.

Esther
xxx