A Grand Quiet

I went to the gym today for the first time this week and I ran. That’s basically all I do there, I get on the treadmill and run, do squats as well sometimes. I always forget the sense of relief that comes with finishing something. A run, a review, a workday, a play. My life is full of unfinished things that I’m not really even conscious of. It’s nice to get things done sometimes.

I also like how tired it makes me. I’m trying to reconcile it but I feel more myself when I’m vulnerable. Being physically tired, being cold, being a little ill — I don’t know why I should feel more at home in myself when I am, but I do. I’ve grown up to be quite a hard person by nature, a side effect of growing up not fitting in. Maybe I just like having permission to let that guard down.

Not that that totally makes sense. I like being cosy too, maybe it’s the unfamiliarity. Like, I live so much of my life in comfort that to be divorced from that for a while is nice. The experience economy is all largely trash, but it is driven by a dissociated society’s need to feel something. Maybe I just need to feel bad for a while.

I remember a few years ago now, I was waiting at a bus stop in the rain and this woman went by. She was on crutches, her leg in a cast, a cigarette hanging from her lips, hair hanging down soaked. And I thought, ‘Wow, what a fucking look.’ Like, her moving with stony defiance of the world, grim determination to get through the fucking day, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anybody since who make looking bad look so good.

Not that I want to look like that, but I feel that way sometimes, and I’m always to scared to let it be seen.

—

The play I was in got a review at last. I’m linking it here because whoever wrote it opted not to mention any of the actors by name, despite mentioning all of our characters. It’s not a bad review by any means, but not really a good one either. Says a lot but doesn’t really come to any conclusion at all, appropriate really.

Y’all can see me in the background of one of the pictures, and I’m mentioned as ‘the guy (eugh) brushing his teeth’. When talking to audiences after the performance the main takeaway was that they needed time to figure out what it all meant and how it fit together. I think this is irrefutable proof that even when tasked with doing so professionally it’s quite impossible.

I think we often have a problem in confusing incomprehensibility for profundity, especially when we’re coming into something expecting to be impressed. Regardless, it drew an audience every night and at least I don’t think we wasted their time. Bristol is probably a better spot to open a play anyway, the infrastructure is already in place.

The director is moving on to a new project now, while looking for funding to take the piece up to Edinburgh this year. I’m meeting with him on Tuesday to talk about it, more work going, I need to take time to dedicate properly to writing. I take my notebook to work with me, I should start filling it out on my lunch breaks.

I also cancelled my spotlight account today. Good riddance, never got a single job from the damn thing, and it would flood my inbox with a dozen ‘opportunities’ every day. I’m done with paying to find work. A friend added me to a facebook group for women and non-binary actors. I think I’ll have more luck there, they seems like good people.

—

I think I’m a good employee. Which feels like a change for once. Maybe because I’m actually into the work. Maybe because what I’m doing finally feels essential in it own way. Maybe because this is the first place that I’ve worked which seems to operate with minimal bullshit. I’m good though, and I seem to be trusted. I’m working right now on getting in with the managers, one of them talked me through the books earlier this week.

I want to take on more responsibility, it’s all a game but damn do I play it well.

—

Okay, so I’ve watched Ralph Breaks the Internet and will have the review of that up tomorrow. I’m watching Creed II tomorrow and will have the review of that up later on this week. When I’m in the city I’ll probably catch Disobedience. Plus I’ve been urged by a friend to check out Netflix’s Christmas Chronicles movie, and that Andy Serkis Jungle Book adaptation has hit there too, so we may end up being quite busy.

Also I ain’t been keeping up with any Mubi picks for like a fortnight. Gotta start plugging at that too.

That’s me done for the week, sorry there was a bit of a #content drought, I ended up sleeping in a lot. Sending my love to y’all as always, stay safe out there.

Essie
xx