A Grand Quiet

I know I said that I’d have exciting things to say given that I actually had some time off this week. What I did instead was sleep. A lot. I been catching around ten, eleven hours a night. I was the gym every day, I wrote a little and watched some fun films and some homework films and played more video games than I’ve had the chance to in a while. I cut real loose.

I’m becoming a healthier person by turns. I mean, I still abuse my body because that’s just the relationship me and the gal have, but I’m coming to terms with our relationship. I realised that the time I had to me needed to be spent engaging in self care and so I let it go that way. I am not hating myself over wasted moments, the time flowed into me, my life may not have gotten any longer but my reserves are back up. I have my resilience.

I did have a wild, last minute plan to dash down one day to a theme park down at London. British twitter has this thing they do every few months where they start caring passionately about the privatisation of our rail system. i wish the rage were everpresent, I ain’t down paying triple the price of admission for the goddamn rail fare.

It’s sort my fault that I ain’t done nothing, but that’s not quite true neither.

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I might have written on here before about the Friday games nights that I attend. It was probably in my review of Game Night because that would sure make sense. Whatever, people there have been angling to put together a Dungeons & Dragons campaign. My suggestion a while ago that I was interested in DMing, despite never having actually played before, became my undoing. I’ve just picked up the Wizards of the Coast starter set. So that’s my commitment laid out, I ain’t sure what type of game Imma try run, ain’t sure how the players will react to it, ain’t sure who even our full roster is gonna be.

I mean I’m a actor, maybe no more by profession, but by training, by outlook. I think what appeals to me about D&D is its more performative aspect, the player embodying the character, exploring the limits of expenditure and intent in a gamified system. The drama that the clashing of these can create. When studying directing, we talked a lot conceptually about what we as performers longed for in rehearsals.

I want a place that is safe and secure, where we can explore ideas and themes comfortably with each other. I also approach acting as a form of play, it’s serious, it can be work, but it has gotta be playful. I’m hoping that I can cultivate this sorta space for my friends, I’m hoping that it will make me a better director.

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When I was playing a lot of games I finally got over myself. I figured out how to stream, it seemed like something that I should be getting on with. People do it don’t they? I should at least experience what that it. My twitch.tv debut was a 7 minute stream of Dominique Grieshofer’s Refunct. I do not currently have a microphone nor a webcam, it was a silent video of a little known indie platformer. Nobody really looked at it.

It felt like something to me though. Like, I dunno, twitch was just this website. I couldn’t comprehend just how you would boot up a game and make it available for the world. It feels public and yet intimate in a way. And all it turns out that you have to do is download something that automatically hooks onto their API and suddenly you are with and the world.

I don’t expect to find a niche, or get big, or utilise my presence with any intent or purpose. I don’t play games enough anymore, for one. I think I’ll just want to be open, I’ll just want to be there welcoming. I think that’s how I belong, y’all know, if I don’t chicken out first.

You can find me on twitch.tv here. And check out Refunct by the way, it’s a marvel.

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One of the films I watched over the last week was 2010 Dean deBlois & Chris Sanders’ feature How to Train Your Dragon. It’s a film which has meant a lot to me over the past eight years. It hit me hard upon my first viewing and its form has been inextricably tied to my fractured identity and faith.

I ain’t gonna post the whole thing here, it’s pretty unwieldy, but here’s the link if y’all wanna read my thoughts on one of the best animated films of the decade.

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There was a question on one of the transgender themed subreddits a while ago about what songs were trans culture. It’s tongue in cheek of course, everyone loves Against Me! & Axis of Awesome that’s pretty much obvious, but I didn’t really have an answer at the time. I love music sure, but  there weren’t nothing that spoke to me like that.

That is until this last week, I’ve been diving into Fiona Apple’s discography and sure, she’s a cis woman who writes plainly and sometimes heartbreakingly about her personal condition but shit, that’s where the raw emotion lies. I ain’t reading nothing into her, there just universality in her lyrics. I’ll pick out two here (and try not to break them down line by line).

For when the gender feels are good: Extraordinary Machine – Extraordinary Machine

If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can’t help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I’ll make the most of it, I’m an extraordinary machine

For when the the gender feels are bad: Every Single Night – The Idler Wheel Is Wiser Than the Driver of the Screw, and Whipping Cords Will Serve You More Than Ropes Will Ever Do

That’s where the pain comes in
Like a second skeleton
Tryin’ to fit beneath the skin
I can’t fit the feelin’s in, oh
Every single night’s alight
With my brain, brain

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That’s it for this week. Sorry there wasn’t more but I needed to put some time aside for myself. I don’t always get everything up here anyways.

• Follow me on reddit where I discuss films sometimes.
• Follow me on letterboxd, I put up just about everything I see.
• Ask me shit on curiouscat if there’s anything you wanna know.
• I might get better at twitter eventually, have faith.

Y’all stay good now, have a good week there’s more to come.

Esther

xoxo