A Grand Quiet

Can someone tell me how to do twitter?

Like, I like using it, I like following friends and blogs and journalists and jokesters. But I don’t have that thing in me that makes me want to actually tweet. I took a picture recently that I thought I should tweet, took it with the explicit intention of doing it too. It took me two days before I actually did it.

I don’t know why this shit feels so hard for me. I guess I’m not a naturally impulsive person.  Actually, everything in me tends towards passivity. I’m not even slow to anger, I just don’t get angry. I haven’t shouted at nobody in literal years, I don’t hold grudges. Maybe it’s my awful memory, my difficulty in picking up social cues, or the fact that I’ve never really managed to get close enough to anybody for this to be a problem; but the shade and the slights that people seem to so delicately read into everyday situations goes right through me.

Anyway, the more pressing issue is that I need to market myself but have literally no natural impulse to put that work in. If y’all have any tips on how one starts down that road please let me know. I know I’m not uninteresting, I just have a very hard time performing it.

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Aside from that I don’t got nothing else really. It’s odd knowing that I have this full time job which I do five days a week in order to have money to live but then i come home in the evening and get to work on my second job which I do for my personal edification. The gym takes another hour out of most days and thankfully I enjoy cooking so long as there’s nobody else in the room and that affords a moment to relax.

But then I’ll work until 11pm, midnight maybe and go to sleep with that having been my day. There was this minor argument going on about film twitter a while ago about how essential it is that critics have a working knowledge of the canon. I know for sure that I need to watch them more and yet, where’s the fucking time? I’m tryna live my life here I’m sure I’ll get around to Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans eventually, but shit that day ain’t today.

I’m trying to make this sound like I ain’t grousing. And not really succeeding. I love doing this most of the time but time has this way of making you acutely aware of the things you’re not accomplishing, even if your goals are differently aligned right now. One of my brothers has been insisting that he’s not ready to date for literal years, just wants to get everything in order. Not sure what that means exactly, he’s the most together of any of us.

I suppose it will never be enough will it?

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That’s all I got this week, I actually have a few days off work next week so I’ll have gotten up to things more interesting. I recently made an account on social Q&A website curiouscat so if y’all wanna ask me anything just hit it up.

Yours,

Esther
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